It wasn't nice to come home to a sick daddy. Haven't seen him for a week so I went straight to his room only to see him sleeping. So I snuggled for a while and then left him rest. Ummi told me that he has been like this even while at KL.

When he walked slowly to the kitchen, he stopped for a moment when he saw me. I know he's expecting my usual huge grin but I just couldn't even look at him in that state. So I pretended not to see because I knew my heart would break into tiny pieces.

Yes adik, I heard you crying last night. Pretended again, to be sleep because how can I comfort you when I can't even make sense of anything at all.

Fudge. I'm so bloody selfish. Not to mention, in a state of denial too.

I really want to cry too but my ego just wouldn't let me. Does that make any sense? Crying is a sign of hopelessness. So no, definitely no tears allowed. I fell asleep last night, mumbling prayers for my parents.

When I was a teenager, I often felt like I was fighting.. I have no idea what I'm fighting for, but I just got to keep going.. It's tiring and drains out all emotions. Sadly, it's exactly what I'm doing now.

Till then.

i'm feeling so out of it. to let go of something without even trying hurts like a living bitch.

i need to run.
faster.
further.
and forget.